What would happen if you were to get a degree in your mate? What if you were to become a student of your mate, seeking to understand why they do what they do, like what they like, spend their free time the way they spend it? Most of us want others to “get us,” and their attention is a genuine pleasure. Scripture says, “Understanding is a fountain of life to those who have it.” (Proverbs 16:23) Be a student of your mate and notice the positive results.
Scripture and an understanding of personality functioning make it clear that guilt has a way of eroding our self-esteem. The Psalmist says, “My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear.” We must make quick amends to our mate when we have said or done anything harmful to them. Keeping your side of the street clean is a great way to keep your relationship healthy.
I have joked over the years that you should never pray for patience because God’s answer is usually to put you in a position in which to learn it rather than just giving it to you. Maybe, like me, you sometimes ask, “what is patience?” The dictionary says patience is “the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.” The jump from the dictionary definition to marriage application is not always a smooth transfer. With patience, I think the dictionary nails it. What do you need to do to act patiently today?
Once it is broken, trust is hard to rebuild. But it can be done. Some reactively say, “You’ve broken my trust and I can never trust you again.” This statement, often made in heated moments, fails to embrace God’s power to change hearts—both the wounded heart and the one who has wounded. God is able to help a couple see how, in different ways, both have hurt each other and both can take responsibility for healing the relationship. Step back from the violation, or even repeated violations, that caused the breach of trust. Consider how you might lock arms to bring health and healing to your marriage. Begin by agreeing to rebuild trust, establishing hedges of protection so that violations to trust will not recur.
There is a myth that says “over time romance in a marriage will die.” Can the romance in a marriage die if it is not nourished? Of course. But it does not have to. Actually, I believe the romance can get better throughout a marriage. It just takes effort. Where is the romance in your marriage today on a scale of one to ten? Where was it on your wedding night? If it was a ten on your wedding night and it is a ten today, you deserve to celebrate!
Now for those of you that are left, let’s work on moving the romance in your marriage up the scale. One way to look at this is that romance is keeping the spark in your marriage. It is not sexual in and of itself, but can certainly be a part of the process. If I give my spouse a card for no reason other than to let her know I was thinking about her and that I love her, she thinks that is romantic. When she wears something that she knows I really like her to wear, that is romantic for me. Romance is anything that you do or say that lets your spouse know that they are special. It’s your job to pick something. Most likely if it worked in the past, it will work today. If you are looking for new ideas, Google it!
How would you rate your ability as a couple to resolve conflict in a way that is a win for your marriage? No matter how you rate it today, it can get better, and for many of you it can get a lot better.
Here are your three bullet points to help you resolve conflict in your marriage:
- This first point is so important. Define the problem and take responsibility. In other words, you have to make sure you are fighting about the same thing and then taking personal responsibility for your part. This is essential.
- Pray for God’s wisdom and guidance and then take turns giving solutions. Write them all down. Then eliminate until you have one you both agree on. This requires being objective and setting your pride aside.
- Identify what each of you will do in implementing the solution. Then follow through 100%.
Do you brace yourself for the next calamity, or do you prepare yourself for the next blessing? Your attitude is critical for what occurs in your life. Joshua told the Israelites, “Consecrate yourselves for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you.” (Joshua 3:5) Consider what you would like God to do in your marriage, envision it and prepare yourself for it. Make room for God to do what only He can do!
Perhaps there was a time in your relationship when dating came easily. The ideas flowed, blocking out time was almost effortless, anticipation kept you awake at night, and the days before a scheduled date seemed to pass by slowly. Now… 5, 10, 15+ years into your relationship, perhaps dating feels stale, laborious, and maybe even non-existent.
Inject some new energy into dating your loved one!
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1. Take off the pressure. Dates don’t have to be time consuming, expensive, and momentous. It’s about spending intentional time with your partner.
2. Recalibrate your expectations. Likely you’ve changed and your partner has changed. What does your relationship need now? Consider activities that will enable you to discover each other again, have fun and laugh, relax, or just be together.
3. Try something new with your partner. It doesn’t have to cost money to be a great time together!
Ever watched someone learning to dance? I notice them stepping on each other’s toes, dancing in a most awkward and at times, hurtful manner. Newly married couples are learning to dance in their relationship. If that is you, consider that every word you say, every gesture you make, all add up and create or destroy a relationship. Every emotional move draws you closer to someone or pushes them away. In this way we have the power to greatly influence how others feel about us. Consider the following exercise: Smile when you greet someone. Say something nice about their appearance or something they’ve done. Notice something about their life and be generous in your approval. Notice the impact and how nicely it fits into what could be called ‘emotional dancing.’ If you can try it with your spouse, consider how it will improve your marriage into the new year!
The following is a reprint from Dr. David Hawkins from Crosswalk.com, 2016:
Don’t you wish you had unlimited energy as you approach the holidays, with an ability to meet every situation with vitality?
Yet, that is not the way it is.
As we approach the holidays, this issue becomes all the more important. As we face relatives coming to our home, time pressures and high expectations, it is important to take a solid look at your calendar and make critical decisions.
Many face the holidays with apprehension. They have some sense that things should be perfect. Everyone should be filled with cheer–no matter if the season reminds them of losses. Everyone should get along fabulously–no matter if there have been tensions in the relationship. Every hope and dream should be realized–no matter if these hopes and dreams are beyond reasonable expectations.
You can see that many will experience disappointment. Many will experience less than their elevated hopes and dreams anticipate, with resulting discouragement.
Some have the following questions:
- “Where will I find the time to do what I want to do?”
- “How will we find the finances to do the things we want to do?”
- “How will I interact with that family member I’ve struggled with?”
- “How do I find joy when I’m less than joyful?”
These are just a few of the many questions we might face as we head into the holiday season.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not Mr. Scrooge or a representative of Thanksgiving Lost. Quite the opposite. I have hope and thankfulness and you can too. I do savor time spent with children and grandchildren. But, I also believe in measuring out expectations and energy. I have found that I am my best self when I take good care of myself. I suspect you’ve found the same.
So, on that note, what should we be mindful of as we enter this holiday season?
First, prepare. Don’t let the holidays sneak up on you. Sit down with your mate and calendar and consider how you want the holidays to unfold. Don’t be reactive, but rather be responsive.
Effective preparation will come from a heart of rest, not a heart of frantic preparation. Scripture tells us, “Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience.” (Hebrews 4:9-11)
Second, prepare realistically. As you make preparations, prepare with reality in mind. You live where you live, have the finances you have, and belong to your immediate and extended family. Don’t idealize other’s family and expect yourselves to live up to that ideal, false image. Don’t try to pack in more activities than you can handle realistically.
Third, prepare with acceptance. You will be sorely disappointed if you believe your situation should be different than it is. Every holiday is an opportunity for us to assess our situation, the nature of our family and holiday traditions, and reset. We have an opportunity to make things be the way we want them to be, given our situation.
Fourth, prepare with the heart of God. The holidays are an excellent time to weave God’s heart into our celebrations. Thanksgiving calls for giving thanks. Christmas calls for celebrating God (Emmanuel) with us. God cares for every aspect of our lives, including our situation just as it is.
The holidays are an especially great time to be the heart of God to others, whether you invite someone home who needs a friend, volunteer at a food bank, or reach out in your community.
Finally, prepare with blessing. No matter how you find your situation, consider how you have been blessed. The Lord is good to us all: “All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.” (2 Corinthians 4:15)
Making the most of marriage 